As I was standing in my fields
(gently fixing my tractor’s wheels)
I heard a great noise from the sky:
It was a ship – but it could fly!
Since my insurance didn’t cover “Acts of Alien”
(whether reptilian, robotic, or mammalian),
and because I didn’t want to wind up dead,
I ran quickly towards the cover of my shed.
The shed was flattened like a pancake.
The metal twisted, the wood did break,
as the alien ship landed on top of it,
and I screamed something that sounds like “spit.”
The hatch opened and I watched with doubt,
To see what horror would come out,
But the being inside was fuzzy and cute as could be,
The evil within it something I did not yet see.
“Take me to your leader,” this smiling alien said,
Instantly dissipating my thoughts of dread.
But though my head did spin with thoughts of fame and glory,
I would not let him leave until I had heard his story.
“I am a Wuzzle, from the distant planet Wuzzalia,
a place based on scientific paraphernalia,
a world full of wonder, excitement, and glee,
all of which will be shared with you – by me!”
“My people,” he said, “are a cross between donkeys and sheep,
And maybe a bit like a frog, if it took logical leaps.
Our culture is completely based around sharing,
As well as snuggles, huggles, and boatloads of caring.”
“Our sharing is measured with a system called ‘money,’
Which I hear you use too – now isn’t that funny?
But our money works for us through a series of tricks,
That go by the name ‘Ec-o-no-mics’.”
Our Wuzzle economists, those up above,
Said “We must find a metric to measure our love.”
“To give is to love, on that we agree,
So let’s measure our giving through Wuzzle ‘GDP’.”
“Our unit of money, as you know, is the Snit,”
one said, waving it (the Snit did not like that one bit),
“To gain one GDP, you must give me one Snit,
To gain two GDP, another Snit should do it.
If I then give two Snits, GDP rises to four.
We’re doing higher math, which you know I adore!”
“The more GDP we have, the better our planet is doing,”
He finished, looking around (a bit scared of booing).
But the Wuzzles all thought this was a very fine idea,
Much more so than his last (to measure love with beer).
The Wuzzles did their voting dance to show where they stood,
And the measure was passed – the proposal was good!
GDP would measure their planet’s success,
Since the rate of Snit-giving should show happiness.
All this went well, till one wonderful day,
A flood washed Wuzz City completely away.
Two billion snits were needed for repair,
And at first many Wuzzles were full of despair.
Until they saw the growth of their economy,
Two billion snits stronger – thanks to Wuzzle GDP.
The conclusion they drew was not unexpected:
Destruction brought joy - it’s all interconnected!
“Let’s burn down a bridge!” one economist said,
Excitedly waving a torch round his head.
“No, blow it up!” another one exclaimed
(the building behind him was already in flames),
“But why stop at bridges? There’s so much blowing to do,
In order to show that we give a Snit about you!”
With that the committee
Ran amuck through the city,
Improving fiscal metrics
With a fire (or six).
Imbibing libations, they enjoyed celebration
Wreaking havoc all the way to the nuclear station.
And as the Wuzzle economists made plans to blow up their Earth,
They laughed to each other “Think what our GDP will be worth!”
I was floating in space, not too far away,
When the Wuzzle economy had the best wuzzing day!
The light was so bright, the explosion so loud,
As our GDP rose in a great mushroom cloud.
I was not unhappy, I shouted with glee,
For the proof of our happiness was in GDP.
And even though all of the Wuzzles are gone,
Our greatest success still lingers on.
For I have come here to teach you, it’s totally true:
To make your economists think like Wuzzles do!